lemon, vinegar, cayenne and honey

in the last four months
i’ve been witness to the break down of two marriages.
one, an older couple who’d been together around 7 years.
the other, a young couple with a child
as old as their marriage, less 9 months.

it wasn’t the first time around for the older couple.
they were both working on their second or third marriage.
they were like roommates in a bad situation,
most times ignoring each other when in each other’s presence.
but when they did have to interact,
the tension — let alone the actual altercations — was like steel slashing though steel.
even after all their previous failures in marriage,
they could not learn now to make their current one work.
or even how to amicably and maturely “know when to fold em”,
in the wise words of kenny rogers.

on seeing the young couple’s drama,
my thoughts were drawn back to their wedding festivities.
it was the typical american wedding
with a bridal party of 6 pairs of bridesmaids and groomsmen.
the vows exchange.
the kiss that made them husband and wife.
the lively, joyous reception.
and then the baby that came literally 9 months later.

but now, just a bit more than a year later,
after infidelity and ugly, scarring repartee
i wonder how long the invitation list would have been
if they had been counseled to invite only those
who would help them work through the hard times
when, not if, they came;
to ask only those whom they would go to for support, advice and help
during times of marital distress
to be witnesses to their matrimonial oaths.
perhaps the wedding would have been a little smaller in scale,
but no less full of felicity and hope.

i’ve seen a pakistani/indian wedding ritual
that included, among other symbols,
the couple-to-be tasting something bitter and something sweet
as a reminder of trials and pleasures married life is sure to bring.
i find that much more useful
then something borrowed and something blue.

while no marriage — let alone individual person — is perfect,
it has its flavors: the sour, the bitter, the hot, and the sweet.
lemon, vinegar, cayenne and honey.
(i love thai food, so this analogy sits perfectly with me.)
in the right combination, such a meal incorporating these flavors
can be memorable and deliciously savory;
something we’ll always return to and take pleasure in every time.

we should go into this flavorsome covenant,
this promise prayerfully given and received,
will full optimism, working for the best,
but with a realistic understanding of the surmountable challenges that will come
and that we — as a couple — will need the help of faith, family and friends.