a new dementia

i have always loved my grandmother.
when my mom went though basic training
in search of a better life for us,
i stayed with her.
she was strict and even harsh at times,
but i saw it all through a lens of love.
my sentiment deemed her spicy.
with a switch and a scathing, quick-whipped tongue,
she demanded obedience.
she was probably also lighter on me
because of the duration of my stay
whereas the other children of her children
– my cousins –
lived with her for years.

she was my favorite grandmother.
still is.
i think.

but she is changing
for the worse.

now she is nice to me
because she doesn’t know who i am
or is constantly remembering who i am
and what my name is.

she has always reserved her sweetness for strangers.
i learned how to flirt from her.
i remember her flashing her bright-toothed smile
to strangers and acquaintances, right and left,
as he drove her school bus back in the day.

but now
– as i’ve been at her house for the past couple weeks or so –
she can bring me to tears with her words.
then i cry again because i see, in her future, a bitter solitude
because her dementia alzheimer’s has turned up the volume
on the base part of her nature.
behind the sour demeanor
i seems that she is fearful, defensive and frustrated
because of a lack of stability.
she seems to be exploring her environment repeatedly
as if to imprint it on her memory.
the simple tasks of bathing and putting on clothes
drives her to a blistering anger.

what do we do when
the elders we love
hurt us when they are out of their right mind?
do we bear them as they bore us in our youth?
or do we pay someone else to pay them some mind?

i pray that when i am returned to the state of a child
but with gray hair and wrinkles given by experiences through the years,
i pray, that i am not a burden on the soul’s of my children
– whom i hope will take care of me,
should i need it –
nor heavy on their hearts.

i pray that i make it easy for them to honor me in my old age
and that i am as appreciative of my caretaker(s)
as i hope my children will be of
my efforts and sacrifices for them.

ameen.