autonomous birth: option 5

i heard about and read
born free: unassisted birth in north america,
a doula-turned-midwife’s phD thesis on unassisted birth.
it’s here where i read the term “autonomous birth” that immediately clicked with me.
[http://rixarixa.blogspot.com/2009/01/born-free-unassisted-childbirth-in.html]

i found
a book for midwives,
[http://www.hesperian.org/publications_download_midwives.php]
a book made for communities who do not live near hospitals
or places where medical care is readily available
in order to get more information the process of labor/delivery
and possible complications.

i learned how to do infant CPR from youtube and google videos.

after reading these documents
and whatever else i could find on the topic,
i gently broached the subject to ishaq.
he gave me an immediate “NO!”
and all the “what if” scenarios that i’d expected.
over a series of short conversations
over several weeks
i explained why i wanted to consider an autonomous birth,
how most births are successful,
how we could make preparations (knowledge-wise and supply-wise),
how we could choose which situations we felt we could comfortably handle,
and how we could have a back-up plan for situations
we decided needed more expertise.

i asked him to read chapter 5 of
born free: unassisted birth in north amarica
titled: safety, risk and responsibility
because that what it seemed that he
– and understandably, generally most people –
was most concerned about.

somewhere, some how in the process
he came to support me.
maybe it was after a particularly frustrating OB or clinic appointment.
maybe he made istikhara,
a special islamic night prayer asking for guidance on making a decision.
i no longer had to consider doing it completely alone,
i.e. without him,
out of desperation.
i had my partner in life
on whom i could share this journey.
subhanAllah and alHamdullilah!
what relief! what joy!
i didn’t dare to question why.
i just accepted it,
and prepared to move on down the road.

simultaneous to this research
and these serious conversations with my husband,
i’m getting regular prenatal care with my OB
and feeling her out
to see how she’d feel about homebirth,
thinking maybe i could ask her to be our back-up.

i tried to communicate with her
that i’ve never given birth in a hospital;
i asked her questions about the process and protocols
in her hospital.
i didn’t feel i could confide in her
that i was considering an autonomous birth.
after asking her questions about giving birth in the hospital
– we had to use an internet translator at times –
i remember her saying,
“just like america!”
like that meant an iota to me
considering i just told her i’d never given birth in a hospital.

in born free the topic of responsibility came up.
whether parents hand over or share responsibility with a professional,
or consciously take it into their own hands,
the results of the decision something that ultimately
the parents will have to live with the rest of their lives.

i felt like i was ready to be responsible.