this little light of mine

after being in a smoky mall
where there are signs posted
warning of a 67 TL fine
for smoking
and after my ineffective efforts
to consciously ignore the staring people,
for the first time,
i felt like i was ready leave kayseri.

i’ve felt lonely for lack of companionship
outside of my family,
but i was ready to stick i out and keep trying.

but yesterday
…sigh…
i could feel the smoke
curling in my throat and nostrils.

yesterday
i was just tired of the mothers telling their children
“bak (look)…”
with the underlying subtext of
“…at the brown people!
you don’t see those everyday in kayseri.”

i don’t like shopping anyway
– we were out looking for spring/summer shoes
for the girls –
but the smoke,
the staring,
the being big pregnant
and, thus, a bit weary
made it an even more tiresome burden.

i’m so thankful
that i’ve experienced a
culturally and ethically mixed environment
so that i am not
totally aghast
when i come across someone/thing
outside of my comfort zone.

it absolutely IRKS me
when people bore their eyes into me
from 20-30 feet away,
then keep their eyes on me
until we’re in speaking distance,
and when i speak
in their language
(merhaba, iyi gunler, whatever)
i get no response.
if they are halfway polite
they at least stop staring.

yes, we can “go back where we came from”,
but we were asked to come
and we’ve met many generous, kind-hearted people
but sometimes it just gets challenging.
if i were a bit of an exhibitionist,
or maybe even just extroverted,
i’d be eating it up.

i’m finished ranting.
gonna trod on being the foreigner
with all its challenges and rewards.
gonna focus on the rewards, inshaAllah.

“…all over kayseri,
i’m gonna let it shine.
all over kayseri,
i’m gonna let it shine.
all over kayseri,
i’m gonna let it shine.
let it shine.
let it shine.
let it shine.”