without him

i just came back from a short trip to amman
to visit friends
– a surprise to most, as i only told the sister i was staying with –
and to take care of our belongings
that have been floating from person to person since we left.
we left thinking that we make come back,
so we left a few essentials
including ishaq’s beginning collection of arabic books.
i’m still puzzled by the disappearance of a kid’s table
among a few other things,
but, with the help of my homegirl debra,
i was able to track down most of our stuff.

i was interesting returning to amman.
the place was familiar, yet i was still a foreigner.
going back to amman gave me the opportunity to reconnect
with old friends
– although i still missed a few in the rush –
but it was the journey that taught me a wonderful lesson.

in july, ishaq and i will be married 10 years.
during that time,
we’ve carved the roles that we play in our marriage.
the independent young woman i was when i married him
has learned to be dependent and trusting.

maybe a little too dependent.

in addition, i’ve lived in a few cultures where
men talk to men and women to women,
so when it came to certain kinds of business,
i allow him to do the talking for me.
i ASK him to do the talking for me.

but every now and then
a woman needs to be reminded
that she can do still do things on her own.

when ishaq dropped me off at the airport
i realized it was all me.
when we are together,
usually i’d usually sit with / manage the girls
while he checked our bags.
i’d let him handle the details of what comes next,
getting us from place to place.

when in istanbul
i had to figure out how to get from the international terminal
to the domestic terminal.
no big deal, but usually i just let ishaq take the lead,
and i’d keep my eyes open,
and only make a comment only if i thought we were going off track.

i’ve found we only need one chief in this marriage
– although sometimes, it has to be me,
most of the time, it’s ishaq.

on the way back from amman,
i decided i’d have a little adventure.
i had a 4 hour (or so) layover in istanbul before heading back to kayseri.
i had mentioned to ishaq that i wanted to try to go to ikea.
he thought that i didn’t have enough time.
before i left i researched the route to ikea
and decided that i’d make the decision on whether or not i had time to
venture to ikea when i landed in istanbul.

i just couldn’t wait 4 hours in ataturk airport.
i made my way to hafif metro
– it was a straight shot on the aksaray-havalimanı line from the airport –
got off at the nearest station (kartaltepe/kocatepe)
asked for directions in turkish, mind you,
and walked to ikea bayrampaşa.
it was a bit of walk,
especially carrying aya
and dragging a rolling carry-on bag behind me.
we found it and
we made it though the store in record time.
i found all but one thing i wanted.
i took a taxi back to the station,
made it back to the airport
– i almost missed my connecting train –
and through the airport maze
to the domestic terminal with 45 minutes or so to spare.
we already had our boarding passes.

i felt so triumphant.
i felt like aya when she manages with a bit of struggle
to put the top back on the lip balm.
i felt like dora the explorer at the end of an episode
after she finds her way from point A to Z.
we she usually says “lo hicimos!”
i can say, “lo hice!”
i did it!

i love the partnership that ishaq and i have,
but it’s good to know
that i haven’t totally lost myself in it.
however, i do now have the burgeoning desire
to flex that independence-muscle a bit more often.

or maybe it’s just that my desire for ikea
is a bit psychotic.