marrying strangers ain’t islam

from muslimlinkpaper.com

Marrying Strangers Often Leads to a Strange Marriage
by Tariq Nelson

In the early to mid 1990’s there was an ‘explosion’ of people who accepting Islam in America – especially in the aftermath of the high interest in Malik Shabazz (Malcolm X) May Allah have mercy upon him. By Allah’s grace, I was one of them.

We all wanted to change the world with this new vehicle (Islam) and become a light to the world. The problem was that – in our naiveté – in many cases, we threw away practicality and became slavishly literal with our Islam. This led to many mistakes being made in our practice that would have long lasting effects that will take a long time to repair, Insha Allah.

One of the things that converts really had a problem with was in developing a system to get marriage that was both permissible and practical. As I have mentioned before, I have met several brothers that have been married multiple times – and by multiple times, I mean more than five. When we came into Islam, there was not a system in place in most masajid wherein converts could get married to a COMPATIBLE person. This is because most of the religious immigrant Muslims would go home to get married to someone that their families had arranged for them and this was not a concern.

In the Muslim world, there is a system in place, for getting married to someone compatible. In some regions of the Muslim world nearly half of all married couples are first or second cousins to each other. Many in the Muslim world insist upon this practice because it makes the extended family ties much stronger. This is why the Muslim world is known for warm, devoted extended family relationships and – unfortunately - distrust for those outside of the tribe (extended family). Almost every sphere of human endeavor, including business, social relationships and marriage, is based on family structure.

How does that model translate to a convert who wants to get married? … It doesn’t.

With dating not being an option for a religious Muslim and having no cultural system in which to get married, many converts were only left with “complete stranger marriage”.

A Complete Stranger marriage is a marriage in which two complete strangers meet for a few minutes, ask a few basic questions, make itikharrah and get married – often with disastrous results – regardless of compatibility and other concerns. It is almost like buying a car, except people are probably a little more careful when buying a car. I knew cases where brothers married the exact opposite of what they desired in a mate in the name of righteousness.

Then there was the pressure to get married as soon as possible – especially females - after becoming Muslim. It did not matter if the new (male) convert didn’t have a good job or even a proper place to put a potential family, he needed to get married now!!!!!!!! No need to know anything about the person at all. They’re both Muslim! She wears hijab. He has a beard! Bismillah…do it! Stranger marriage is such a crap shoot that I liken it to gambling.

Then tragically, this same brother without a good job or skills is encouraged to immediately have plenty of children with this person they just met a few days ago. Years later, the brother becomes a staple in the sadqah and zakat line.

In other cases, the marriages fall apart within a few weeks after finding out they have NOTHING in common. Other stranger marriages linger on only because of the children. I can’t count the number of brothers that I have spoken to that feel “trapped” in their loveless stranger marriage based almost completely in pretentiousness and empty literalism. Some of them are sadly broken and bitter and left feeling that that they have “thrown their lives away”. Some have even openly said that they “could have done better dating” than with stranger marriage.

In the most extreme example that I have PERSONALLY known, I had a friend that married a stranger and she ended up cutting his head off in a grizzly murder. Others married people with serious mental problems only to find this out later in the marriage - and often after children were involved.

A few months ago, I was given an update on a young man, who is now about 21, that embraced Islam at 19 while in college. At the time he embraced Islam, he was single and on the way to getting his degree. Two years later, he has quit school, gotten married to a complete stranger, has a baby on the way and regrets it.

Lives are destroyed based on bad advice. Years pass, the person looks back with much regret, burns out and is hardly seen again. This is why these new converts need good people that know what they are doing to look out for them and show and explain to them the consequences of making bad choices also applies just as much when you become Muslim as it did before becoming Muslim — no matter how it is dressed in Qur’an and Hadith. There is nothing about becoming a Muslim where bad choices suddenly look good through the prism of Islam.

Before becoming Muslim, this same person would have thought the prospect of marrying a complete stranger was insane, but after becoming Muslim, suddenly this is “the deen” and the correct way to get married. “There is no dating in Islam, and you get to know the person after you marry them, so therefore we marry strangers”.

However, it’s not mentioned to that convert that not only do people in the Muslim world NOT normally marry strangers, but insist on marrying their cousins who they know and grew up with. This took place in Muslim communities with converts all across the country.

Any person who saw this and was genuinely looking out for this new convert is accused of having ulterior motives while those that are calling for an end to this pathetic “marriage process” or at the very least for the prospective couple to know something about each other were accused of promoting fornication.

Some come up with a list of questions (some of them pretty good) to ask marriage prospects with the hope of cutting off some of these problems, but the problem is that often, people memorize the correct answers to the questions and make themselves look like good prospect. The more pretentious you are, the quicker you can get married. (”I want to study the deen overseas”, “I plan to make hijrah”, “I love Shaykh so and so”, “I’m upon the Sunnah”, “My concept of marriage is an Islamic one”, “I want my children to be scholars”, etc).

This is why the men who have perfected this act can get married 15 times in a 5 year period. They know exactly what to say.

For these reasons, not only do the female converts need good walis that are grounded in the realities of the planet earth, but the MEN DO TOO. These young men need some kind of representative or “wali” of some sort to guide them through the process. These men need someone that is in a good marriage that can be honest with them and tell them when they are not ready to get married and that they need to develop themselves and prepare to get married instead of constantly relating the story of the man who got married with only an iron ring.

They need a person that can explain the realities of life and the things that come with having children such as health care cost, food and other such things that are often dismissed as “Dunya talk”.

In the past, if a person wanted to know if he/she was compatible (in a permissible way) he/she was being “too picky” or was told that it was out of bounds. It may be that both sides are good people, but not good for each other. She has a strong personality, he has a reserved one. She is talkative, he is not. She has no sense of humor, he is a comedian. He likes to read, she doesn’t. She is a health nut, he eats unhealthy, etc.

This is why I strongly feel that one has to know something about who they are marrying beyond the “resume items”. We’re not hiring a maid or a “broodmare” here.

Having a wali/representative for both parties would be a good way to start to end the problems of stranger marriage.

Secondly, there should be some type of premarital counseling required for prospective married couples. If all mainstream masjids went to this system and it was known and advertised, then those brothers who insist on getting married in some brother’s basement would be exposed as charlatans. (i.e., “why doesn’t this brother want to go through the proper channels to get married?”). In addition, masjid administrations would also be able to warn people: “If you insist on a stranger marriage, then do so at your own risk”.

Other than that, here are my humble (and based upon my feedback, highly controversial) suggestions for a convert getting married:

• Ignore sloganized advice: “Brother/sister, don’t you know that a man got married with only an iron ring”. “Physical relations is the only purpose of marriage”. “If you have sexual desire get married, nothing else matters its all dunya”. “If you have enough food for the next meal, get married” (An Imam actually told converts this)
• Prepare to be married: For men, that means getting an education and/or solid marketable skill, getting a good job with benefits such as health insurance, learning to be responsible with money, a place to stay, reading about marriage and everything that it entails. Be prepared to be a man and a father. Not just have physical relations
• Don’t be pressured into getting married, as you can do bad by yourself and 1000X worse with someone else in your life making things miserable. Don’t go for the “you’re too picky” line either.
• Don’t abandon common sense and reality in trying to get married.
• DO abandon pretentiousness. Don’t portray yourself as someone that you are not. Be honest with yourself and your prospect about where you are in your religiousness, your life and the direction you want to go. If you are an avid moviegoer - for example - it would not help to portray yourself as someone who hates them. Sounds simple, but this is a big point of contention in pretentious based marriages.
• Be very picky in choosing a spouse. Resolve to stay single rather than enter a quickie marriage that could potentially ruin your life. Remember that you are picking the potential mother/father of your children. Compatibility is important.

• Examine the prospect extensively: “What were his last 3-4 jobs?” “Is he/she moody?”, “How many friends he have?”, “Who did he hang with?” “How well do they really know him?”, “Is he a loner?” etc.

• Not only get an AIDS test, but test for other STDs. Sisters have married brothers without AIDS, but had other STDs. May be a good idea to see if there are any mental health issues

• Get to know the person and their family - even if the family is not Muslim - before the marriage. Meet the person’s parents and siblings if possible. Find out what his/her family is like. In one way or another it will affect the marriage.

• If the prospect is an immigrant and his/her family does not approve - leave it alone. A situation like that can weigh on a marriage as they can and sometimes will make things difficult. Immigrant men have been known to dump convert sisters at the constant behest of their racist mothers. Sometimes these are green card situations.

• After getting married, wait a year or two to have children (gasp!!!). Give the relationship time to develop on its own merit before locking yourself in with children.

Even if you disagree with the above advice (and I know that some do very strongly) can we agree that we have to do better than stranger marriage?

Tariq Nelson lives in Northern Virginia. He blogs at tariqnelson.com.