making marriage marvelous, 11.4.06

i’ve been meaning to give kudos to this workshop for a long time:
the making marriage marvelous workshop
at masjid muhammad on 4 november 2006
with nafeesah shaheed, MSW, a marriage counselor in NY
who’s been marriage longer than i’ve been alive
AND has 8 children to boot.
i could’ve listened to her talk without the MSW credentials.

i’m not sure who put it on,
but i think it was the fanusies had a hand in it.
it was well-promoted, well-organized, and an all-around informative and fun event.
i could’ve sat there for hours
or attended another workshop.
even my husband took notes.

sis. nafeesah discussed marriage as a sealed commitment and contract
made up of an offer, consideration and acceptance
where the agreed upon terms are negotiated.
it’s an investment where both parties are expecting growth and returns.

when actually developing the contract,
you don’t have to contract on everything,
just the most important things.
you can just hit 2 or 3 points
and prioritize them.
also, don’t forget to renegotiate
after that 3 year-itch,
and when changes in the relationship call for it.

i know when i got married,
i had a contract,
but don’t ask me what was in it.
truthfully, i got married for love,
and because my then intended
had many qualities that i considered important in a mate,
but i only mildly understood the work involved
and i don’t think i really knew what to look for.
Allah blessed/guided/looked out for me cause i sho’ was ig’nant.

one point she highlighted was that
most marriages last less than 3 years
and that it takes 15 years to season a marriage!

with audience input
she described intimacy
(with your spouse or otherwise)
as vulnerability partnered with safety and security,
where you can share your true feelings and personality in
a non-judgemental, confidential, spiritual space.

when you get angry
put it on a scale of 1 to 10
to help put it in perspective.
and if you have a problem,
own it
instead of putting it on the other person.
for example,
you could say, “when you give me the hand
it makes me feel disrespected.
that’s a problem for me.”
instead of,
“you better stop putting your hand in my face.”

and for us folks
too ashamed to ask for help
because we think we have to live up to the appearance of being a happy couple/family/person
she said, “never be ashamed to be human.”

i hope to impart to my girls
that love is a cool thing,
but marriage cannot live on love alone.

if more young folks thought of marriage
as an investment and a contract
– like when buying a house or investing money –
as opposed to “oooh, s/he makes me feel so good/beautiful/[insert superficial, short-term emotion]”
our marriages as muslims and americans would last longer.

we need more thoughtful events like this
to get single and married folks
involved and communicating
in our community.

once again, whomever put it on: big up!

New World Communities, Inc.
Nafeesah Shaheed, Executive Director
1164 Bedford Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11216
(718) 622-2641
nshaheed@verizon.net

azizah magazine had a couple of wonderful articles on marriage in volume 4 issue 2.

“Fine Print: The Islamic Marriage Contract”
by Zaynab Ansari
and
“After The Nikah”
by Yonna Khatib
among many other really great articles on other subjects.
i even bought a couple of extra copies for my unmarried friends.